corrinesbell | 115. Light

But the...we're still the same people. I can't let you get away with it either.

[and something Raine said earlier has been bugging her. It didn't really stand out at first, but now it does seem...odd that she brought it up, from nothing.]

And you shouldn't think you've gotta deal with this all by yourself.

... I'm sorry. I know I'm being foolish. It's just ... harder sometimes, when I'm with those of you from home. Especially since you're used to me being a certain way. It's ... always difficult for me to accept when you have to see me like this. Even though it's happened before ...

So we're used to you being one way. D'you think that makes us not wanna help you when things happen, or something?

[Sheena has to take a breath. Slow down and stop her voice from rising. Frustrated and confused won't get either of them anywhere now. When she starts again, it's calmer and with more purpose. Without the edge that might make it sound as though she was accusing Raine of something.]

Being friends goes both ways. You see us 'like this' all the time, even when it's tough to look weak or...or stupid...in front of you. We know you're just worried. ...But you shouldn't think so much about how we see you if you get hurt, okay? We just wanna be...be there for you as much as you always are, for us.

[and she's a little red-faced now, because talking about friendship? When it was only a few years ago she really started understanding it in the context of other people? It's a little tough, and she feels like she does a poor job of it.]

I don't think of you differently for stuff like this. Stuff you can't control. ...Okay?

I...

[She listens quietly as Sheena speaks. She doesn't know how to respond to it. How she should respond. Her reasons... why it's just been so difficult to accept something like that. Had her image really become that important?

It was just... hard.]

... I-I suppose I still have a lot to learn about friendship. It feels like everything I've learned from the journey has just ... become so warped. Distorted. [Even if she's been made aware of things like this before. It's one thing to acknowledge, another to actually accept and move forward with it. A step forward, a step back, until she could no longer remember where she had been standing to begin with.]

My weaknesses are constantly exposed here. Whenever they're pointed out ... I feel so foolish. Hiding them makes me foolish. I can't overcome them. But I still want to believe that I can. And when others see me that way ... I ...

[There are a lot of questions Sheena wants to ask in those pauses. She opts not to, though. This is the most she's heard out of Raine all at once in a while - no reason to cut her off. Only when it's clear the pause is going on for longer than before will she quietly say something]

You...what?

I ... I just want to hide it even more -- even if it's futile to. That's how I've always been. Even though I know that ... deep down, I ... wish I wasn't this way. It just doesn't feel right to ask you all to be strong for me.

...You don't have to hide it, y'know. From us. ...We wanna help. It kinda starts to feel like...like maybe we're not worth a whole lot if you think you've gotta hide all your problems.

['Us.' She's not sure who the plural is. After all, the only perspective she has is her own.]

And it's not being strong for you. You're strong on your own. It's just...helping you remember that. Or being strong with you, if that's what you need.

Edited 2010-11-17 01:56 (UTC)

I ... I suppose I don't really know what I need. I tend to ... not think about that, or ... how I may affect others by not letting them in.

Well if you think about it now, maybe. ...What would you say?

I need to not be weak.

How come?

... what do you mean by that?

I mean why do you need to not be weak? ...Well, whatever you mean when you say 'weak.' I get it if you mean not laying around in bed all day because you don't have the energy to get out of it, or something. But I get the feeling that's not exactly what you mean.

I don't like the feeling of not being in control. Luceti... puts me into a lot of those situations. I need to be able to handle them. But it seems that I can't do that gracefully.

It's... better now than it used to be. Even though they still happen. When Genis was first sent home, I couldn't accept that. I pushed myself too much. When I'm frightened by things, I push myself so I don't have to deal with the reality.

[And Albert makes her see the reality whenever she loses sight of it.]

That's what I don't get, though. Stuff being out of your control isn't a weakness. ...It just happens.

[that second part, though. ...That's why she moved out. A shadow crosses Sheena's expression when she realizes that.]

I'm not the person to say anything to you about avoiding stuff you're scared of, though. ...But...it's helped...to be able to tell somebody about it.

It feels like a lot has changed for me since we've been sent out of Aselia. My state of mind... my resolve. People have called me optimistic, which is also a change. My mind is more open now than it ever has been.

And yet...

There is always that lingering uncertainty. Whether or not the people we have allowed ourselves to become close to will be here in the morning. Whether or not we'll remember what we've learned here if we turn out not to be here, ourselves... it makes me want to close myself off even more, sometimes. It's frightening to wake up to. It's foolish of me to let myself become paralyzed by these thoughts.

[Well. She can't really say Raine was optimistic before. Really, she was great at defining all the cons of a situation. All the time.

And what she wants to say now...well. Sheena knows she'll have to pick her words carefully. Raine hasn't said this much about herself in the entire time they've known each other, at least that she remembers. It would be really bad to shut it all away again, now, by saying something stupid.]

...That's stuff I think about too. Whether or not I'll see the people that matter to me the next day. But that's what I've been trying to say, I think. Nobody's forcing you to think all this stuff by yourself, 'cause you're not alone being afraid of it or hiding from it. ...You can talk to us if you wanna. If you need to. And it won't be weak. ...At least, not any weaker than we'd be, talking to you.

[She's quiet for a few moments after Sheena speaks, looking down at their hands again.] We've... had a lot of the same experiences. It shouldn't feel wrong, sharing them with you.

It's... difficult for me to say things on my own, though. If you could help... remind me, that i-it's okay. If I'm being difficult about it. If... that's not a lot to ask.

Edited 2010-11-17 04:12 (UTC)

[Sheena smiles. Even though she still feels guilty for some of the experiences they 'share' - for no apparent reason, because it's the work of the Malnosso (maybe) and not something Sheena or Raine wanted.]

It's not a lot to ask. You're probably gonna regret giving me permission to tell you you're being difficult, though.

...And if you need to say something to someone. Even if it's, uh, late at night or whatever, and you can't sleep. ...Just talk to me, okay? I'm probably up anyway. I'll hear it on the journal.

Mmm. But it would be a lesson, and I take those seriously.

I'll try to keep that in mind as well. [That feels a little better. Even though there are so many things still on her mind that she should get off her chest. But she's offered up things that Sheena hasn't even asked for, now.] Thank you.

It's no- [actually, for Raine it probably is a big deal.] ...You're welcome.

I don't wanna make you talk if it's hard on you right now, or anything. ...But is there anything else you...kinda think you wanna say?

I -- well...

There is ... one thing, that has been bothering me, especially lately.

Okay. What is it?

Sometimes I get to thinking that... I haven't exactly been true to myself or my resolves. With all the different kinds of people being in this situation, it shouldn't really matter what our races are, should it? And yet... even then, I could hardly bring myself to bring it up to others here. The only person I told outright has been sent back ages ago - and his reaction to it was rather ... unique. I haven't even told Albert about it.

But now, with Mithos here ...

You're worried about being a half-elf?

[at least that didn't sound as surprised as she feels. It hadn't, once, crossed her mind that Raine might spend time thinking about things like that. Outside of that insult that one time.]

It's not gonna matter to people here who your parents are. I think there're a lot of half-humans here, but that doesn't really matter either. It sounds really cheesy and like something Lloyd would say, but...it's only really important how you act toward other people. You're not gonna be judged just because your ears look different. [hopefully Raine catches that she's trying to lighten the mood with that last point]

Anyway, if you weren't a half-elf most of the people here would be dead. You really think Mithos is gonna influence that many opinions in just a few days?

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