corrinesbell | 115. Light

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115. Light

Hey. We've got a lotta new people this month, huh? For anyone who's new, I'm Sheena. I think the guide answers just about every question, but I've been here for a really long time, so if anyone wanted to ask, I'm okay with answering about stuff.

I was thinking about trying out that battle arena thing. Anyone done it already and wanna tell me what it was like? If it's like the coliseum I dunno about trying it.

What would you guys think about having a winter, uh, festival thing like we did a couple years ago?

[Yuri]
I met your crazy rival.

[Raine]
Hey, are you up for visitors? I know it's gonna get late soon...but hopefully Albert'll forgive me.

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[There are a lot of questions Sheena wants to ask in those pauses. She opts not to, though. This is the most she's heard out of Raine all at once in a while - no reason to cut her off. Only when it's clear the pause is going on for longer than before will she quietly say something]

You...what?

I ... I just want to hide it even more -- even if it's futile to. That's how I've always been. Even though I know that ... deep down, I ... wish I wasn't this way. It just doesn't feel right to ask you all to be strong for me.

...You don't have to hide it, y'know. From us. ...We wanna help. It kinda starts to feel like...like maybe we're not worth a whole lot if you think you've gotta hide all your problems.

['Us.' She's not sure who the plural is. After all, the only perspective she has is her own.]

And it's not being strong for you. You're strong on your own. It's just...helping you remember that. Or being strong with you, if that's what you need.

Edited 2010-11-17 01:56 (UTC)

I ... I suppose I don't really know what I need. I tend to ... not think about that, or ... how I may affect others by not letting them in.

Well if you think about it now, maybe. ...What would you say?

I need to not be weak.

How come?

... what do you mean by that?

I mean why do you need to not be weak? ...Well, whatever you mean when you say 'weak.' I get it if you mean not laying around in bed all day because you don't have the energy to get out of it, or something. But I get the feeling that's not exactly what you mean.

I don't like the feeling of not being in control. Luceti... puts me into a lot of those situations. I need to be able to handle them. But it seems that I can't do that gracefully.

It's... better now than it used to be. Even though they still happen. When Genis was first sent home, I couldn't accept that. I pushed myself too much. When I'm frightened by things, I push myself so I don't have to deal with the reality.

[And Albert makes her see the reality whenever she loses sight of it.]

That's what I don't get, though. Stuff being out of your control isn't a weakness. ...It just happens.

[that second part, though. ...That's why she moved out. A shadow crosses Sheena's expression when she realizes that.]

I'm not the person to say anything to you about avoiding stuff you're scared of, though. ...But...it's helped...to be able to tell somebody about it.

It feels like a lot has changed for me since we've been sent out of Aselia. My state of mind... my resolve. People have called me optimistic, which is also a change. My mind is more open now than it ever has been.

And yet...

There is always that lingering uncertainty. Whether or not the people we have allowed ourselves to become close to will be here in the morning. Whether or not we'll remember what we've learned here if we turn out not to be here, ourselves... it makes me want to close myself off even more, sometimes. It's frightening to wake up to. It's foolish of me to let myself become paralyzed by these thoughts.

[Well. She can't really say Raine was optimistic before. Really, she was great at defining all the cons of a situation. All the time.

And what she wants to say now...well. Sheena knows she'll have to pick her words carefully. Raine hasn't said this much about herself in the entire time they've known each other, at least that she remembers. It would be really bad to shut it all away again, now, by saying something stupid.]

...That's stuff I think about too. Whether or not I'll see the people that matter to me the next day. But that's what I've been trying to say, I think. Nobody's forcing you to think all this stuff by yourself, 'cause you're not alone being afraid of it or hiding from it. ...You can talk to us if you wanna. If you need to. And it won't be weak. ...At least, not any weaker than we'd be, talking to you.

[She's quiet for a few moments after Sheena speaks, looking down at their hands again.] We've... had a lot of the same experiences. It shouldn't feel wrong, sharing them with you.

It's... difficult for me to say things on my own, though. If you could help... remind me, that i-it's okay. If I'm being difficult about it. If... that's not a lot to ask.

Edited 2010-11-17 04:12 (UTC)

[Sheena smiles. Even though she still feels guilty for some of the experiences they 'share' - for no apparent reason, because it's the work of the Malnosso (maybe) and not something Sheena or Raine wanted.]

It's not a lot to ask. You're probably gonna regret giving me permission to tell you you're being difficult, though.

...And if you need to say something to someone. Even if it's, uh, late at night or whatever, and you can't sleep. ...Just talk to me, okay? I'm probably up anyway. I'll hear it on the journal.

Mmm. But it would be a lesson, and I take those seriously.

I'll try to keep that in mind as well. [That feels a little better. Even though there are so many things still on her mind that she should get off her chest. But she's offered up things that Sheena hasn't even asked for, now.] Thank you.

It's no- [actually, for Raine it probably is a big deal.] ...You're welcome.

I don't wanna make you talk if it's hard on you right now, or anything. ...But is there anything else you...kinda think you wanna say?

I -- well...

There is ... one thing, that has been bothering me, especially lately.

Okay. What is it?

Sometimes I get to thinking that... I haven't exactly been true to myself or my resolves. With all the different kinds of people being in this situation, it shouldn't really matter what our races are, should it? And yet... even then, I could hardly bring myself to bring it up to others here. The only person I told outright has been sent back ages ago - and his reaction to it was rather ... unique. I haven't even told Albert about it.

But now, with Mithos here ...

You're worried about being a half-elf?

[at least that didn't sound as surprised as she feels. It hadn't, once, crossed her mind that Raine might spend time thinking about things like that. Outside of that insult that one time.]

It's not gonna matter to people here who your parents are. I think there're a lot of half-humans here, but that doesn't really matter either. It sounds really cheesy and like something Lloyd would say, but...it's only really important how you act toward other people. You're not gonna be judged just because your ears look different. [hopefully Raine catches that she's trying to lighten the mood with that last point]

Anyway, if you weren't a half-elf most of the people here would be dead. You really think Mithos is gonna influence that many opinions in just a few days?

It's... always a possibility.

When Genis came here for the second time, I ... told him to keep it quiet. That it would be for the best if we didn't say anything, even though it may have been the first time we could have tried living openly. And that was over a year ago now. Well over a year.

And people... can change. Sometimes for the better, but sometimes for the worst, as well. [She thinks about how strangely her interactions with McCoy had gone, since that day...]

I just don't want things to change. Even though everything here is temporary, and it's selfish and foolish of me, but... I'm afraid.

What's the worst thing you think'll happen if you tell people?

[That "I'm afraid" gets her hands a gentle squeeze. Very gentle, because for all Sheena knows it will hurt.]

That they'll... start to treat me differently, or even look at me differently, even after all the time that has passed. Or worse, they'll be angry that I kept it hidden for so long. And they'd have every right to be, in that case.

What gives them the right to be? You've got a good reason for not wanting to tell anybody. It could've gotten you killed at home. [and it almost did.] You think they'd still be angry once they knew that? ...Even Albert and Caesar?

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